Let’s be real, depression sucks.
Hi guys, don’t be too startled by the title or worried about this being a downer post. My goal today is to give some words to the Wise on this Wednesday about how my depression looks on a day to day basis. Keep in mind, depression looks different for everyone and I am “lucky” enough to be able to force myself to continue upholding my adult responsibilities in the midst of it.
First off, I can’t get enough sleep. Like the second I wake up I’m ready for a nap. One class? Nap time. Four hour shift at work? Definitely deserves another nap. Every little part of my life becomes so wholly exhausting: mentally, physically, emotionally. Oh but if it’s actually bedtime, say 10 pm, no way am I going to sleep. No, then it’s time to stay awake until midnight or 2 am picking apart every little thing I and everyone else I interacted with during the day has done. It’s not the healthy kind of processing either, oh no, everything is wrong. Nothing is good anymore and I just want to be asleep.
Okay, maybe this will have a bit of a downer tone to it. But I felt the urge to be real this week, so I am being utterly transparent with you.
Not only is sleeping the only thing I want to do (and naps are a necessity) but I suddenly forget what being hungry is until I am starving and at that point I have forgotten how to eat well. When the depression fog resembles something more like a mist I usually prepare healthy snacks full of fresh fruits and veggies and string cheese and nuts for when I go to school or work. But no no no, when that fog is thick and like being in the middle of a cloud I don’t even know what a vegetable is let alone that I have plenty of them in the fridge.
Honestly, I don’t know how I have survived this past week and a half or so. Not only have I survived it, but I have completed all of my homework on time and for full credit. I haven’t had to call out at work or leave early, and I’ve even kept up on most of my tasks while I’m there. Somehow, somewhere in my mind the drive to succeed and make my life better outweighed the depressive attempts to make life hell. I think my trip to Haiti taught me much more about continuing on with life while feeling severely depressed than I realized (I promise to share about that trip soon, I’m still in the post trip processing phase).
But the second I felt an ounce of motivation, I seized the moment. Usually, before class on Monday and Wednesday, I meet up with some friends to go running. Well, last week was labor day so we didn’t meet on Monday and no one felt up to it Wednesday morning, myself included. Or so I thought. Fifteen minutes after texting the girls I didn’t have the energy to meet up, I felt the urge to run and suddenly had the energy to do so. And with a 10k just around the corner I knew I couldn’t pass up the drive to run. So I took Ruckus out for a brief run around the neighborhood. We only went just over a mile, but I needed it. Oh how I needed that toxin release and moments of brain chill time. Everyone has something that instantly clears his or her mind, and I am learning my thing is exercise. Lucky me, right? haha!
Some weeks will always be more difficult than others, anyone struggling with mental illness can assure you of that. And in those tough weeks I just push through. Change happens, and I am learning change is a huge trigger for a rough patch. But eventually, that change will become routine and life will settle into place. So I just ride that wave of depression out, everything has to end. And I would argue that if you choose to fight, the bad things have to end and open up to a happy note.
I am choosing to be happy, I am choosing to believe in my worth, I am choosing to live my life the way I want to, and that’s okay. I hope you choose to be content, too. Even when everything seems to crash in at once.
Thanks for letting me be real this week :]