Sadness

Hey there,

I’m about to get serious. And as a disclaimer, I am no expert, this is merely my experience.

It hits when you least expect. Anything can cause it and nothing can cause it. It can last for a couple of days, a couple of weeks, a couple of months, or even years.

We talk about it a lot but sometimes not enough. The big, scary D word.

Depression.

If there is one thing I am most often not, it is sad. I am often frustrated and angry and bombarded or happy and joyous and exuberant, but not sad. When I am sad though, it is an all consuming sort of sad. Everything that has ever gone wrong, ever could go wrong, or has ever gone wrong for anyone else hits me at once. And it hits hard.

For me it is usually one sad moment that I store away, then another, and another, and instead of being sad in the moment I store it all up until I have too much and feel all of it at once. It throws me for a spin, completely exhausts all my energy, appetite, and will to live.

Luckily, after years stuck trying not to be depressed on the outside I sought out a counselor to help me heal the inside. I learned how okay it is to be depressed, how tough life really is and how we aren’t supposed to have all of the answers. Or even be okay all of the time.

But for me, it’s a fight. It will always be a fight. I refuse to let depression win or my brain’s imbalances win or life’s troubles win. It’s okay to have a tough week, or month, or couple of years. It’s okay to see no end to the trouble and feeling of hopelessness. I just can’t stop fighting. My time is finite, but this universe is infinite.

In a day I had two major life events happen, really within hours. I won’t go into details, but they are events which require time to process and heal and recover. And usually shouldn’t happen all at once. And my world was rocked.

I will humbly declare, I am in the middle of a deep fight with depression. I will humbly tell you, I do not know how to fix it nor do I have any answers.

But I will fight on. I will seek to enjoy my days, and moments with others. I will seek to succeed in my workplace and my school life.

If you have ever, or are in you’re own fight with depression know there is support. It may not be what you expect, or where you expect it. But find someone or something to support you in a healthy way, in a path towards healing and processing. Allow yourself to be happy, too. I am learning life is never just polar opposites, all emotions can exist in a short period of time. And that is okay.

Seek support and keep fighting. Live for those happy moments. I love you guys

❤ that one girl

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